I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
