I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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