I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
