OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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