I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
