Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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