Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
