you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
