Quick, to the slutcave!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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