remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
