im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
