Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
