There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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