I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
