I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
