At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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