It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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