guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
