Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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