He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize