What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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