first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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