Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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