Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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