She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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