no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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