You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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