walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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