things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
