3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I love you.
Bad choice
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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