I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
