You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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