Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Omg I joined a choir last night...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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