Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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