I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
