i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
