I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
