Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
