that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
