Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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