i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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