I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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