maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
