Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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