sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
