Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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