his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
