i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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