Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
