hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
