Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
