If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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