I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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