Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dick very happy bro
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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