What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
