You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
