I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She bit a glass in half.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
