don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
