I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
