I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
