I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize