Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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