Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
