you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
