he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
