I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
