Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
